bust up this chiffrobe

I am going to do a blatant repost of B.Day's latest blog , just because I find it easier to write my response in this format, rather than in her comment section, but will post there as well.

A Southern sort of day

I saw Paula Deen at a Press Club lunch yesterday and To Kill a Mockingbird at the renovated Strand Theater last night.
So here’s my thought for the day: Is civility — in the form attention to other people’s comfort and feelings – what sets the South apart?
somebody asked Paula Deen what makes the South special, and she said (in her very roundabout fashion) that manners come first in the South from the time we are very young. Not just m’aam and sir, but understanding that you must never hurt anyone’s feelings. This is what fuels the popular idea of “Southern hospitality,” she suggested.
And while I would not normally think of Paula Deen as an arbiter of Southern taste (too much cream of mushroom soup), this really gave me pause.
It was absolutely the clearest thing my mother taught me: I would get an out-of-character, clench-teethed “Hush!” if I violated it. Company comes first. Other people’s feelings and comfort come before your own — especially if they are disadvantaged by unfamiliar surroundings. And I suppose it’s what I’ve been trying to beat into my own boys’ heads. I always say if I can just raise them to be nice to other people, to consider others’ feelings in all they do, I will have done my job.
Last night, I watched Atticus teach Scout that very thing. This was the first time I’d seen To Kill a Mockingbird as a mother, and I now think it should be given out in birthing hospitals with birth certificates. Atticus has his big words, and he always takes the time to explain things to Scout, but it’s his actions that are really important in the instruction of his children.

He turns a quiet other cheek to town talk about his defense of Tom Robinson. He helps Scout understand that Mr. Cunningham is embarrassed by his poverty. Calpurnia tells Scout that Walter Cunningham is her guest and if he wants to eat the tablecloth, you let him do it! Atticus tells the children all along to respect Boo Radley’s privacy, but it’s Heck Tate who sets the ultimate example to protect this most vulnerable soul. And in the end, Scout makes the connection between killing a songbird and failing to protect the innocent.

But my favorite lesson from To Kill a Mockingbird is how kindness overcomes ugliness. Remember Atticus regaling Mrs. DuBose about her flowers, just being thoughtful enough to know what would flatter her? Scout’s naive violation of the field of hate between her family and the gathered lynch mob, simply by being polite and connecting with Mr. Cunningham? It’s very difficult to keep on being ugly when people are killing you with kindness. When Atticus walks away from Bob Ewell after he spits in his face, it’s not only the worst thing he could have done to Ewell — it is the ultimate example for Jem about courage and civility.
Back to Paula Deen . . . She refused to stand above folks on a stage yesterday and instead walked out into the crowd and touched or looked at every person there. She put people at ease with her celebrity and welcomed them into her personal space. What do you think she would have done if someone had asked her a rude question about, say . . . cream of mushroom soup? She would have deflected it with humor (bless your heart) and turned the other cheek.
I realize that there is a basic conflict in this notion of respect for individual humanity and the South’s racial history. And I realize that people from other parts of the world share this value. But it is (or was) true that selfishness is the ultimate rudeness in these parts. And Southern culture conspired to inculcate this concern for others into its young and to enforce it by rigid example.

So what do you think? Is this just another sentimental manufactured myth? Or are manners, in this sense, what defines the South?

Short answer : YES

Longer answer: Still yes, but let's extrapolate a little bit. ( Yall, know any good Southerner can go on for hours about the color of white house paint...)

First, lets define our terms. Civility is that knowledge that you must never hurt any ones feelings, I am talking Jainism (ahimsa) here, you just don't do it. Manners are the outward manifestation of this process, the tools that are used to achieve an end. You simply do not notice the shoeless boy pouring syrup all over his lunch... 

I had the good fortune to catch a 2007 documentary on Independent Lens on our local pbs station the other night : The Oder of Myths. It's all about Mobile Mardis Gras , and how in 2007 the African American King and Queen of Mardis Gras, and the oh-so- lily white King and Queen of Mardis Gras go to each others balls for the first time in history. When the President of the all white Mardis Gras krew was asked if there was any strife having African Americans at their ball, his reply was : "They are guests in our home", in a tone that let the questioner know that the notion of allowing any discomfort to a guest was akin to eating worms, and old nasty worms at that , not nice plump clean ones.

It is ingrained with in you, a kindness , a politeness that goes beyond, which fork to use, or yes'mam or no'mam.

A side story on this topic, when I first moved here to the great white north, almost Canada, SEVERAL people asked me to STOP saying that to them! asked me to my face. These were older people, or people older than me , also.. and this all but kills me, I was told to call people a great deal older than me, BY THEIR FIRST NAMES! - these were NOT relatives or people that I knew very well, but older acquaintances! They do not have the need for the use of " manners"

I have no clear recollection of being taught this " kindness", just seems a part of me. Maybe someone told me, or maybe you just pick it up.. in the air.. like Baptists and .. well, college football ( had to throw that one in). Also, just the geographic luck of being born south of Washington D.C. does in NO WAY assure that you will posses this value.. there are plenty of folks who put three syllables in the word EGG and are .. well, clueless to their lack of tact and manners.

This " Northern-ness" or "Un-Southerness" has caused me some real problems living where I do live. I get my feelings hurt , when that was very much not the intent of the person doing the deed. They just do not understand the " gift wrapping" that we , as Southerns need to get by. When I go out of my way to .. set a pretty table, or cook a good meal for someone or give up a parking place, I am not doing it for praise ( well.... ) BUT some basic acknowledgement of my deed is expected. Also, I am from what was a small , small town. We talk to one another.. everywhere. In line at the post office? I need to hear about your latest grandbaby. Looking at peaches in the grocery store, I need to know your Aunt Tilda's recipe for cobbler. Wear a Gator hat to the bar .. it will be discussed. SO, not the case up here... people look for the closest exit or security guard when I start a conversation. Just in a simple yes or no answer, I can take offense with some ones tone of voice,  maybe I am JUST TOO SENSITIVE.. or maybe , I simply do not expect UN-kindness. NOT, that this is a bad place to live , at all, nor are the people in anyway really un-kind,they simply lack the manners to know the difference. 

"Are manners, in this sense, what defines the South?" The core of this answer is yes. IT is how we chose to treat one another that makes the South different. Well, that and the God given ability to make good tea...